For me, my birthdays are bittersweet. I tend to romanticize past events and when I do look at them realistically I often feel let down or depressed. I have had some amazing birthdays growing up, but that wasn't always the case. One of my childhood birthdays was purposely ignored to teach me a lesson and ever since then I've had this almost unconscious and unrealistic fear that it will happen again. Now, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything of the sort. I just need to write out these melancholy feelings.
I think because of this missed birthday, I make a big deal about Josh's birthday, and I know I'll make a big deal out of Briella's birthdays. This year because we were in the middle of moving and didn't have the funds, I didn't even bake Josh a birthday cake. Now, he did get a dinner made by our wonderful family friends and family, but I didn't do any of it. I have felt guilty for the past month and have tried to make it up by being an extra good wife. But all that did was make me mad. HA! I finally told Josh how guilty I felt and he was surprised but so understanding. He wasn't bothered by it even though I had been tearing myself up on the inside about the whole situation. And even though I still feel a bit guilty, I have to keep reminding myself that there's nothing to be guilty about.
Since I moved out on my own I've tried to be realistic about birthdays. But that has always made me pessimistic and grumpy. I hate being grumpy. So this year, I had a talk with myself and really prayed about how I've let my past ruin my last few birthdays and my mood.
I don't think I was completely successful in trying to change my attitude, but this morning when I woke up and remembered it was my birthday, I smiled and thanked God for giving me 24 years to be thankful about and prayed for another 24 good years.
I also dressed Bee in a party dress to make the day a bit more festive!
And we are thankful for you dear Leslie. You've enriched our lives as our daughter these past 12 years and I can't imagine my life without you. I wish I had understood more about your feelings about birthdays when you were younger because I might have worked harder at giving you that surprise birthday party you asked for. Remember? I said--well, how can I surprise you if you you're expecting it? I tried to make up a little for it by giving you a surprise graduation party--and I think it was really a big surprise for you, but of course it wasn't your birthday. Please my dear, continue to try to live your life guilt free--this from one who understands very well how guilt can either immobilize or lead to frenetic activity to "make up for" or "fix". I love you to pieces and am so proud of the woman you are right now. Happy Birthday daughter. <3
ReplyDeleteYes, darling girl. You have the right to be pissed off, if I may use such indelicate language.
ReplyDeleteToday we all celebrate the day God made you and put you into our families... you have had a lot to live through, and we are SO proud of your attitude. I've learned so much from you, Leslie.
When the past haunts you, keep giving it over to your loving Heavenly Father. He has commissioned people to stand all around the ramparts of your heart, to pray, to hug, to love you, and to say you are not only worthwhile but DEARLY LOVED. HAPPY BIRTHDAY across the miles. Your auntie R
To my beautiful "first daughter" that I waited for for many years, Happy Birthday. You have been such a blessing in our lives, now for about 5 years! Hard to imagine it's been that long that you've been part of our family, either officially or not! Thanks for bringing your smile, your viewpoint, and, yes, your perogies! We all spend a great deal of our lives feeling guilty about something, forgetting that we are picking up a burden that is no longer ours to carry. So, live in the present in the hope that is ours in Christ. And celebrate! Thanks for being wife to my beloved son and mother to my sweet, sweet granddaughter. XXOO
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