Let me give you an example of our battles at naptime: Bee is crying, standing in her crib, giving me the "I hate you!" screamdown. This is what I'm saying to her: Briella, you have to sleep, making comforting shushing sounds like "Happiest Baby on the Block" showed us (like those experts know anything...right?) and I'm trying to not let her win, knowing she's just fighting sleep, and the minute I pick her up she'll be all smiles and giggles. What I'm thinking in my head: Why the bleep aren't you taking a bleeping nap! I'm so tired I could bleeping cry (and sometimes I do). Can you really be the joy of my bleeping life? Who the bleep came up with this form of torture? (motherhood has brought out my worse side at times....ok daily)
The last few books I've found the time to read are about families, and I've been hungrily reading them to learn more about family dynamics. Which means I also read blogs by Christian women and books about "religious" families (ok mostly cults, because I am obsessed with those dynamics), and feel more and more that these ladies and authors are not really telling the truth. How can a mother have complete patience day after day, hour after hour, with a wailing baby as background music? I do not have that patience. I barely hold it together when I try sleep training Bee, forcing myself to let her cry and feel like the world's worst parent. These women that write, it seems to me that they must be smoking something funny. Who raises 19 children without ever losing it, not even just once? (Yes, Mrs. Duggar, I'm talking about you!)
Usually, I'm one of those people who point out that the not so nice parts of parenthood are evened out with one smile from your happy baby, but today I feel like being realistic instead of the sappy parent I normally am.
We are so quick to point out that our children complete us, and gosh! are so cute that all the negative aspects of parenting are evened out, but how often will someone point out that every once in a while, being a parent sucks. Being the "bad guy", having to know all the answers and tricks to making a sick child feel better, the sleepless nights, the permanent baby food stains on all your clothes, the loss of daily adult interaction, the permanent bags under your eyes. If I had 19 children (which I am sure I will not), I'd be a mess, not the picture of loving parenthood that the Duggar's are.
I realize that I'm not being very nice to the Duggar family, and I really haven't read a lot about their family, since their seemingly perfect household drives me nuts. I randomly flip onto TLC when their show is playing and I see their perfectly kept house, their children's perfect manners, and their unwavering faith in God. Then I look at my apartment. Don't get me wrong. I love my homey space, but there are days when we're lucky if I put away all her toys. I mean I'm working on making sure all dishes are done before I go to bed and all toys put away, but some nights I'm so tired (lazy) that it just doesn't all get done. My bathrooms rarely get their weekly cleaning, and there is ALWAYS a pile of dirty laundry waiting for me.
I realize that I'm not being very nice to the Duggar family, and I really haven't read a lot about their family, since their seemingly perfect household drives me nuts. I randomly flip onto TLC when their show is playing and I see their perfectly kept house, their children's perfect manners, and their unwavering faith in God. Then I look at my apartment. Don't get me wrong. I love my homey space, but there are days when we're lucky if I put away all her toys. I mean I'm working on making sure all dishes are done before I go to bed and all toys put away, but some nights I'm so tired (lazy) that it just doesn't all get done. My bathrooms rarely get their weekly cleaning, and there is ALWAYS a pile of dirty laundry waiting for me.
I love Bee, but am having a hard time being a complete stay at home mom. I can feel my brain cells diminishing each time I sing along to her picnic basket: "a place for me, a place for you...thank you for sharing, your yummy cookie treat!...red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, it's a rainbow!" But she loves it, so I keep on singing. At least she doesn't care that I do not possess proper vocal cords for making melodies. I find myself trying to make conversations with people at the grocery store check outs, my landlady, random people in our complex, the teenage girl who lives beside us, or the couple who smoke weed in the apartment below us. Even with these feelings of growing stupidity I feel guilty for wanting time away from my daughter. I bet Michelle Duggar never begs for "alone time".
But here I become sappy once again. I watch Bee walking on her chubby legs, pushing her scooter and I flush with pride. She smiles at me and instantly, all the resentment I felt earlier at her insistence to not sleep, goes away. I am truly a puddle of gooey love feelings, and I'm not ashamed of it. Guess that's why Michelle Duggar seems so saintly, all those kids are going to give her an ocean of those gooey love feelings. That or she's been smoking weed with my downstairs neighbours.
I laughed and laughed... and passed this on to Kirsten and Melissa. You brought back so many memories and erased some residual guilt when I remember yelling at Jer for toddler "experiments" in the open paint can and K changing her own diaper. Have fun. There is really something to be said for youth and motherhood going together! Praying more sweetness and sending you love across the miles. You are a WONDERFUL mother!!!
ReplyDeleteI reallllly like this post, especially the last line. You are so bloody honest, and I FEEL THE SAME WAY, and my babe is not quite 3 months old. Thanks for your perspective.
ReplyDeletep.s. don't we all feel this way?