who knew shaving cream could make such a difference?

A word of warning my peeps.  I'm about to get deep.

Lately I've been feeling "less lost" than I ever have before.  Or more specifically, more like me.  Not more like Josh's wife and not more like a mom.  Just me.  Leslie.  In the midst of getting married, moving to another country, getting depressed, experiencing anxiety like never before, unexpectedly becoming a mom, gaining 60 pounds, working and then not working, I forgot who I was as a person.  I stopped thinking about what I needed to do for myself.  I even stopped driving because the idea of it made me so anxious I would cry.  It was a slow process but I fell deep into it all.  I forgot that I liked to write, that I loved being around friends, and that I really did like to be outside and be active.  Instead when things got rough I turned to food, sleep and TV shows.  I also stopped trying to make friends and isolated myself, which didn't help at all. 

The last month I've slowly started to realize that I am a shadow of who I used to be.  And its my fault.  I allowed myself to become who I am today.  I have changed.  Some of the change is good.  I'm a lot more organized, much more responsible and a lot less selfish.  But I am also content to just stay at home, watch TV, and live thru other people's experiences on Facebook.  I respond with anger and frustration a lot faster than I ever used to.  I don't find opportunities to create new friends and I allow myself to become fully immersed in my role as a mom. 

I'm not as happy as I'd like to be. 

I can feel my anxiety creeping in just writing that.  I don't want to tell anyone that I'm not 100% content because it makes me feel like a bad mom, wife, friend.  And I'm terrified of judgment.  I'm terrified that people will realize just how insecure I really am.  That people will think that this admission is a go ahead for them to flood me with unhelpful advice and smother me.  Or that people will think I'm weird and not want to be my friend.  Or, that no one will care. 

But I have to stop worrying about other people, because this really has to do with me.  I have to figure out what I NEED to do to feel better about myself.  And I HAVE to do it. 

I'm in the process of figuring this out.  I'm also starting to realize that this will be a life long process.  A daily struggle.  But I've taken some steps to make some much needed changes in my life. 

1. I got a job!  Well, two jobs actually.  Starting the first of August I'm the new secretary/treasurer for our church.  I am SO NERVOUS about the treasurer aspect of it, but I'm pretty certain that its not more than I can handle.  Plus I can do everything from home, which is a huge blessing.  My second "job" is as a consultant for Better Way Imports.  It's a sales job and combines my loves of people and missions so perfectly.  I am extremely excited to start having parties and introducing this company to others.  I even opened up my first business account at the bank!  If you're curious as to what Better Way Imports is look them up at www.betterwayimports.com.  And if you're in the area, host a party! 

2. I told Josh I needed more "childless" time.  Even if all I do is clean the house top to bottom, I feel like the time away allows me to be a better mom to the kids.  I finally get silence and then I won't be worrying later about all the things I need to do while trying to be present while playing with Bee and Jude. 

3. I bought shaving cream.  I know, it sounds SO STUPID, but this was huge.  For the past 4 years Josh and I have been scrimping by and have only just recently passed the "I only have 5$ left till the next paycheck" stage of life.  One small way to save was to only buy the necessities when it came to hygiene.  I did have a razor so I still shaved, but I'd just use shampoo or conditioner instead of shaving cream.  I finally realized that we could now afford for me to buy shaving cream, so I found my Target coupon and bought a Target brand container of Strawberry-Tangerine shaving cream.  I gotta tell you, it felt so luxurious to use shaving cream again!  My legs had not felt this hydrated or smooth in four years!  I'm pretty sure I grinned the whole time!  HAHA 

4. I'm trying to fit time in to exercise.  I'm not very good at it.  I always have 101 excuses as to why I can't, or why something else is more important.  This is something that I need to do.  No one else is going to take care of my health but me.  Some weeks I do great, and other weeks go by and I barely make it for a mile walk around the campgrounds. 

I'm still trying to figure out what else I need to do to be more at peace with myself, but its a journey.  A long journey.  And I really don't want to burn out right at the beginning so I'm trying to start with baby steps.  And a short list. 

And a lot of prayers.  So, Grandma, if you're reading this, I could use a lot of your prayers since I know you've got a direct link to His ear.

Conversations with Bee

I was changing Jude's diaper when Bee came over to check it all out. 

 

 We then had this conversation:

Bee: oh Mama!  Ju poo?  Ju poo?

Me: Yes, Jude pooped.  Isn't it stinky? 

Bee:  Awwwwww!  Ju pooed!  I pooed too!  Mama I pooed too! 

Me: (checks her diaper) So you did....

 

 

 

At least it was easier to change them both right there and then

 

 

As you can tell, potty training has gone wonderfully.....not. 

"the four of us", it's got a nice ring to it

 

We've now been a family of 4 for 7 months.  Some days it feels much longer, but today, it feels as if we're still those overwhelmed yet deliriously happy- sleep deprived parents, bringing their sweet newborn baby home for the first time.

 

When we first found out we were having a boy, I was instantly worried about what I would do with a boy.  I was used to a girl, not only was I comfortable because of Bee, but I was a girl.  I knew how all the parts worked, and I think I have a pretty good idea of how the female brain works.  But BOYS.  Its a whole different ballgame.  (Did you notice the sport's reference?  I know, I'm pretty proud of myself!)

I was also very worried about changing a boy's diaper.  My dear Mother-in-law had laughingly regaled me with stories of how both of her boys had peed all over the walls and themselves.  My sisters have rambunctious boys and I had witnessed first hand potty training, tantrums, and random weird boy behaviours.  So far, other than having pee shot up at me while half asleep, it's been a lot smoother than I had anticipated. 

 

The first month and a half were a haze.  Jude was gassy and colicky; Bee was clingy and whiney.  Jude wouldn't sleep anywhere but in a vibrating bouncy chair and one of us had to bounce him to sleep.  Josh did have paternity leave which was amazing, but when he went back to work I thought I was going to lose it.  I'm going to sound like a horrible mom, but I basically let Bee watch TV whenever she wanted and fed her grilled cheese everyday.  Thank goodness I had a month's worth of dinner meals in the deep freeze thanks to my pregnancy nesting and some wonderful friends.  I was such a hot mess minus the hot.  I think I managed to shower once a week unless Cheryl was over visiting and then I'd dump Judah in her lap and retreat as fast as I could to the bathroom.  At night the kids would take turns waking each other up and on the weeks Josh was working I was getting maybe 4 hours a night if I was lucky.  I started resenting Josh, sending him angry texts while he was at work, about how I felt like he had the opportunity to get a full night's rest, while I was stuck at home doing all the hard work.  I longed to switch places with him.  To get away from the kids and go to a job where I could interact with other adults and not have a child hanging off me at all times. 

 

Thankfully it got easier.  Jude stopped screaming all the time and started to sleep in his crib, Bee started getting used to having another kid around, and we all got a little more sleep.  Our freezer meal stash ran out and I had to start actually cooking again, which surprisingly helped to clear the cobwebs out of my head. 

 

Now I don't dread the weeks Josh is working. It's still hard, but I know I can handle the kids.  There are days when we all stay in our PJs and do nothing but play, and I've come to realize that its ok.  It's ok to have a house that's not always picked up and swept.  And it's ok to have clean laundry sitting in the hampers for a week.  Well, maybe its not, but it happens.  And if Bee won't eat anything but peanut butter and honey sandwiches all day, at least she's eating something.

 

There are still growing pains and bumps in the road, but we're slowly adjusting and growing.  I love how Judah has made us change and how he's added so many wonderful attributes to our family. 

Some moments/images I don't think I'll ever forget:
 

1. the first time the little guy peed on me during a diaper change

2. the first sibling beat down, which included a hard headed doll being thrown at Jude's head

3. his squealing

4. the way his whole body laughs when he's tickled

5. the way he watches Bee

6. the warning hoot he gave my in-law's dog the first time he noticed her being too close for comfort

7. the way he looks when he sees, smiles, and reaches for me

8. the first time I put both kids in the tub together

9. how much he LOVES food

10. the day Josh plopped him in his Bumbo chair and stuck him in the wagon with Bee

11. his chubby thighs

 

 

All in all, it's been good.  Hard but good.  I like being a family of 4.