who knew shaving cream could make such a difference?

A word of warning my peeps.  I'm about to get deep.

Lately I've been feeling "less lost" than I ever have before.  Or more specifically, more like me.  Not more like Josh's wife and not more like a mom.  Just me.  Leslie.  In the midst of getting married, moving to another country, getting depressed, experiencing anxiety like never before, unexpectedly becoming a mom, gaining 60 pounds, working and then not working, I forgot who I was as a person.  I stopped thinking about what I needed to do for myself.  I even stopped driving because the idea of it made me so anxious I would cry.  It was a slow process but I fell deep into it all.  I forgot that I liked to write, that I loved being around friends, and that I really did like to be outside and be active.  Instead when things got rough I turned to food, sleep and TV shows.  I also stopped trying to make friends and isolated myself, which didn't help at all. 

The last month I've slowly started to realize that I am a shadow of who I used to be.  And its my fault.  I allowed myself to become who I am today.  I have changed.  Some of the change is good.  I'm a lot more organized, much more responsible and a lot less selfish.  But I am also content to just stay at home, watch TV, and live thru other people's experiences on Facebook.  I respond with anger and frustration a lot faster than I ever used to.  I don't find opportunities to create new friends and I allow myself to become fully immersed in my role as a mom. 

I'm not as happy as I'd like to be. 

I can feel my anxiety creeping in just writing that.  I don't want to tell anyone that I'm not 100% content because it makes me feel like a bad mom, wife, friend.  And I'm terrified of judgment.  I'm terrified that people will realize just how insecure I really am.  That people will think that this admission is a go ahead for them to flood me with unhelpful advice and smother me.  Or that people will think I'm weird and not want to be my friend.  Or, that no one will care. 

But I have to stop worrying about other people, because this really has to do with me.  I have to figure out what I NEED to do to feel better about myself.  And I HAVE to do it. 

I'm in the process of figuring this out.  I'm also starting to realize that this will be a life long process.  A daily struggle.  But I've taken some steps to make some much needed changes in my life. 

1. I got a job!  Well, two jobs actually.  Starting the first of August I'm the new secretary/treasurer for our church.  I am SO NERVOUS about the treasurer aspect of it, but I'm pretty certain that its not more than I can handle.  Plus I can do everything from home, which is a huge blessing.  My second "job" is as a consultant for Better Way Imports.  It's a sales job and combines my loves of people and missions so perfectly.  I am extremely excited to start having parties and introducing this company to others.  I even opened up my first business account at the bank!  If you're curious as to what Better Way Imports is look them up at www.betterwayimports.com.  And if you're in the area, host a party! 

2. I told Josh I needed more "childless" time.  Even if all I do is clean the house top to bottom, I feel like the time away allows me to be a better mom to the kids.  I finally get silence and then I won't be worrying later about all the things I need to do while trying to be present while playing with Bee and Jude. 

3. I bought shaving cream.  I know, it sounds SO STUPID, but this was huge.  For the past 4 years Josh and I have been scrimping by and have only just recently passed the "I only have 5$ left till the next paycheck" stage of life.  One small way to save was to only buy the necessities when it came to hygiene.  I did have a razor so I still shaved, but I'd just use shampoo or conditioner instead of shaving cream.  I finally realized that we could now afford for me to buy shaving cream, so I found my Target coupon and bought a Target brand container of Strawberry-Tangerine shaving cream.  I gotta tell you, it felt so luxurious to use shaving cream again!  My legs had not felt this hydrated or smooth in four years!  I'm pretty sure I grinned the whole time!  HAHA 

4. I'm trying to fit time in to exercise.  I'm not very good at it.  I always have 101 excuses as to why I can't, or why something else is more important.  This is something that I need to do.  No one else is going to take care of my health but me.  Some weeks I do great, and other weeks go by and I barely make it for a mile walk around the campgrounds. 

I'm still trying to figure out what else I need to do to be more at peace with myself, but its a journey.  A long journey.  And I really don't want to burn out right at the beginning so I'm trying to start with baby steps.  And a short list. 

And a lot of prayers.  So, Grandma, if you're reading this, I could use a lot of your prayers since I know you've got a direct link to His ear.