sleep deprived and mean

These last five days I've been having a pity party.  Bee caught a cold, which wasn't all that bad except that she turned from an adorable, loveable, fun-loving girl into a whiny, not sleeping, not eating, bundle of terror.  Not even when she was teething in her molars was she this bad.  Basically she did all the normal things a sick 16 month old does.  But you see, Josh and I have become spoiled.  Especially me.  I thrive on consistency in certain areas, like sleeping and eating schedules, the little lists I make myself daily with chores and everyday items (lists make me feel important so things actually get done), and knowing that I can usually predict Bee's daily behavior.  Since Bee really is a good kid, I've been able to rely on these consistences.

I have learned 2 things with Bee getting sick.  One: that with a sick child, there is no such thing as consistency.  Except when it comes to crying, as crying is fairly consistent throughout the day. Two:  I am a mean person when I don't get more than 6 hours of sleep at night.

The first two days really weren't that bad as I was filled with motherly concern and compassion.  But by day three of 4 hours of sleep I was over it and started my very own pity party.  Mainly I took it out on Josh, my poor husband.  I was livid that he got to sleep 7 beautiful hours every night while I calmed Bee's screams every half hour.  I was also filled with rage at the thought that because he worked he got to take a free pass on parenting for the time being (none of this is actually true, I'll explain later).  

Then today, day 5 of Bee's miserable sinus congestion, I managed to catch 2 hours of sleep, and totally blew up at Josh.  Later, I went into town with a friend and was gently reminded that marriage and parenting is hard.  It made me think back on the things I had accused Josh of and blamed him for.  It was definitely a humbling moment.  I instantly felt so guilty that when I got home I apologized for my actions.  You see, Josh is a 911 dispatcher for Yellowstone National Park and works seven days in a row (then he gets seven days off) and each shift is twelve hours long (6pm- 6am).  He gets home at 6:30am and sleeps until 2:30-3pm.  His job requires him to be alert and fully awake for emergencies, which in the Park, happen quite often.  

Bee happened to get sick at the beginning of Josh's work week, leaving me with the majority of the "nursing back to health" business.  In my sleep deprived (downright mean) state of mind I started resenting him, instead of just telling him how I was feeling.  

After making things right with Josh I started to remind myself of all the ways I am blessed.  It's something I've done for a long time as a sort of "penance" to remind myself of how selfish and mean I can get, when really, I don't have it off so bad.  Here are a few of the blessings I had to remind myself of today:

1. I have a God who teaches me to be a better person.

2. I have a wonderful husband who readily forgives me when I've wronged him, and loves me in spite of everything.  And is a flippin' stud muffin if I do say so.

3. I have a daughter who 90% of the time is a freaking angel.

4. I have awesome in-laws for invite me over for dinner when I'm overwhelmed with parenting and readily babysit when they see I need a break.

5. I have friends who gently remind me of reality and teach me that its ok to be overwhelmed.

6. I have a fantastic enchiladas casserole recipe that never fails me and can be made in short time.

7. I have family that loves and supports me and my little family.

8. I have a little peanut bumping around in my womb to make me smile.

9. My blood pressure is WAY down and my health is on a good track.

10. My family and I have a great little house to call our own and spread out in.  

11. I have a ranger father-in-law who can get the dumb people who park on my lawn to move their vehicles.

12. We live in a freaking national park.

13. I have poppies and wild roses growing around our house that I didn't have to plant and they look beautiful probably because I didn't plant them.

There are many, many more, but I'm starting to lose steam on the writing front.  My main point of this post is that I was a jerk. A big jerk, but a huge part of life is trying to learn from your mistakes and moving on.  I'm choosing right now to look at all the positive aspects of my life and keep trucking on.  Bee isn't all better yet, but thank you Lord, it's just sinus congestion, and nothing serious.  Plus, Josh has only two more nights before his week off and I'm praying I make it without anymore pity parties.